The story, familiar to viewers of NAGIN, is this: a writer saves a snake man in the woods, who tells him about when he's about to meet his mate. The writer gathers up a group of his friends to peep on them, but when the snake man turns into a cobra, one of the guys shoots it, thinking he is saving the girl from being bit. Not quite, though, since she's a snake woman, and they've just murdered her boyfriend. So, she hunts them down, one by one, and murders them.

The story is told in a completely perfunctory way, this time out, since I suppose the director assumes everyone knows the story already. He skips rationalizing any of it, making sense of any of it, and providing any kind of character for any of the victims to be, again I suppose assuming the previous movie had already done that. Which makes this remake completely pointless, and much, much, worse.

How much does this movie follow NAGIN? Well, lets take a look at a couple scenes.

First, the novelist saves the snake man, and asks, "How do you survive out here?" From the 1976 movie:

From this one:

Not even the songs are original, with several of the tracks lifted directly from NAGIN. The only difference between the two movies during those points, is that in this new one, there is a quick shot of a boom box sitting nearby. I guess this is meant to suggest that the characters in this movie aren't singing, the songs from NAGIN just happened to be playing on the radio nearby.

[IMAGE: "Hey, let's listen to the soundtrack of NAGIN while a snake woman dances outside, OK?"]

PYAASI NAGIN has the feel of a home movie copy of a classic that some dudes put together for a laugh and uploaded onto Youtube. The cast is uncharismatic, goofy looking, and a bit on the hefty side, even for Bollywood. And the dancing is seriously bad. How bad? How about one more comparison.

The snake people cavorting, circa 1976:

And in 2004:

[Shudder.] Theoretically, PYAASI NAGIN could be good for a laugh, but it really isn't. It is so tirelessly derivative that it offers nothing new of any interest.

The kids steal a car, because it is a fancy buggy that some idiot left the keys in. A crime of opportunity, taken on a whim. They cruise the city streets, and stop at a remote gas station to fill the tank, but without any money, they need to come up with some kind of scam to get away, one which the grownups don't take too kindly to. The gas station attendants would rather fight it out than let the kids get away with a lousy tank of gas.

Accidents happen, people die, lives turn to shit. They never really knew how to fit in to society at large, how it really worked, so of course they have no idea how to handle a situation when it goes wrong.

What's worse, and what makes THE HAPPENINGS such a powerful film, is that the adults aren't particularly mature, either. No real father figures, elder brothers, wise men, sympathetic elders -- nothing. When the kids try to get away with not paying for their gas, the gas attendants go ballistic, and one (Wong Yut Fei in an early role) starts swinging a crowbar with no regard for how lethal it is. The adults lose control as quickly as the teens. When Cheung Kwok Keung takes the stolen car to show his brother, his brother admonishes him not to steal -- "unless you are going to rob a bank," he adds, while removing the car stereo and leaving with it. When one of the boys seeks shelter with a prostitute to avoid the cops, she simply tries to extort him for all he's worth. No one has much control. Everyone is self-obsessed. And as a consequence, no one can possibly help these kids.

But it doesn't matter, anyway, because it becomes clear the kids wouldn't know what help looked like anyway and wouldn't take it if offered, except to get out of today's jam and into tomorrow's. They, too, have no loyalty to others, no perspective, no plans. When a detective stumbles across them, one of the girls quickly starts shouting "I didn't kill! It was him! It was him!" and even though she travels with the gang, taunts that they will be punished for what they did, not even seeing that her very presence makes her an accomplice. There is no solidarity between friends, only scared bundles of raw energy that fly apart at the slightest touch.

Yim Ho's first two films, THE EXTRAS and THE HAPPENINGS, are two of the most frenetically exciting, out-of-control Hong Kong films ever made. Each feature protagonists who are unable to control their destiny, and are swept along by events without a pause to reflect or time to act. Or worse, when they finally are able to act, their actions only make matters worse. Nothing is simple in these films, every action has its consequences, and most of all, there is a feeling that no one is fully in control, nobody understands what is safe and what is dangerous, nobody can clearly explain right and wrong. The viewer experiences the utter helplessness of the protagonist's situation. The filmmaker best known for frenetically paced films has to be Tsui Hark, but in his films, the flurry of action makes the viewer giddy with excitement and eager to see what will happen next, compared to the experience in Yim Ho's films, of nervousness and alarm.

In an interview published by the Hong Kong Film Festival ("Hong Kong New Wave: 20 Years After"), Yim Ho states that his first films were "experiments" and that he didn't understand how to make a film until he made HOMECOMING, his fourth picture, in 1984. I suppose this is an understandable view for him to take, given that this film was not very successful, while HOMECOMING won armloads of awards and prestige. But I respectfully disagree. Although many of his films are unfortunately not easily available, those that I have seen suggest that these first films were among the best he ever made, and deserve a place on every Hong Kong cinema enthusiast's shelves -- provided a decent home video release ever materializes for them. For now, Joy Sales has released THE HAPPENINGS on VCD, so it will have to do.

The scandal in 1977 was a bit different: the actresses were allegedly getting rented out as call-girls and making a tidy sum as a side-business out of it. Much worse than today's scandal, I suppose, but still: at least the girls back in 1977 had an angle and were earning some money. Gillian Chung, Cecilia Cheung, and the other actresses and singers involved in Sexy Photos Gate, on the other hand, were just being stupid, letting their boyfriend snap compromising pictures of them because -- what, they were in love? Wanted to please him? There's always the chance they were into it, too, but at this time, thousands of erotic photographs of various lovers have NOT turned up on anyone elses computers, so we'll have to assume this is Edison's freak show and no one elses.

THE CALL-GIRLS starts out in a faux-documentary style, with actors and directors in the Hong Kong film industry being asked about the scandal by a reporter, and echoing similar interviews from the recent scandal, they all have sympathy, and generally refuse to criticize or even comment. The movie explores the girls lives, each one harder than the last. Though it was interesting to see the movie suggest that several starlets actually started out as prostitutes before becoming famous actresses, and simply continued to turn tricks on the side as part of their contract with their agent. Others are drawn in unwittingly and become trapped under threat of blackmail. Danny Li plays the cop investigating the case, the story told as different women (Shaw "starlets" Shirley Yu and Chen Ping, among others) are brought before him at the station and he considers charging them and setting bail.

In the end, the movie asks, "Who is to blame? Who should be punished?" Let me nominate director Cheng Kang for the punishment queue, for making such a terrible film on such a salacious topic. The directors comedic vs. dramatic sensibility must be called into question, to begin with. The disturbing scene of a japanese man who prefers to use large gourds on his call girl is apparently comedy, while the hilarious scene of the call girls stripping at the funeral of one of their own and becoming nude pallbearers is apparently drama. Like many Shaw Brothers sex films, it is chock full of sex and nudity, but slathered with condemnation and disgust for the whole enterprise. The director maximizes his disgust by making sure most of the nasty men taking advantage of and abusing the women are English or Japanese.

In the absence of easily demonized ethnic outsiders, who then should be punished for "Sexy Photos Gate"? No one broke any laws, except a petty theft in the case of the repair shop employee who snagged a copy of the snaps off of Edisons Mac. Nevertheless, the police acted overzealously and sought to criminalize everyone who came into contact with the pictures, the immediate result being that posting the pictures became less about ruining careers, which it still did, and more about Freedom of Speech against an oppressive government. In the punishment category for this scandal, then, I nominate the Chief of Police, if no one else. The actresses involved have ruined their careers, punishment enough, surely, though I have to wonder if EEG can sue Gillian for breach of contract due to the affair -- surely there's a clause in there somewhere that says you can't ruin your reputation while they are trying to keep you as a bankable star? If there isn't, somehow I think the next batch of starlet contracts will include this clause. As for Edison Chen, his life is not just an episode of BIG BROTHER, but of SURVIVOR, and I think he's just been voted off the island.

There are a lot of ways "Sexy Photos Gate" could be made into a movie: a tragedy of hubris, pride coming before a fall. Or a cat-and-mouse game between the cops, the triads, and everyone else trying to stop the person who continued to post images online, under the nickname "Kira" (a nod to the movie DEATH NOTE), until he suddenly stopped. Did someone catch up to him? Did he blackmail the actors and actresses involved? Was he murdered? Who knows? Could be a good story. I'm thinking Francis Ng or Nic Tse as "Kira" and, I don't know, Stephen Fung as Edison Chen. Paging Wong Jing, Hong Kong needs you right now. Because nothing puts a scandal to rest better than immortalizing it as a trashy movie.

Of course, the film makes a travesty of insane asylum conditions and actual mental illness, a point which made psychiatrists in Mumbai protest the film and demand edits. Apparently, they are not a very influential bunch, since none were made. It hardly makes a difference, anyway. A proper edit of the film would take about two hours out.

The first 40 minutes of the film are quite promising, though. Anand is committed, and his interaction with the other inmates is sweet. The highlight of the film comes when he tries to explain how important music is to a full life, in an attempt to get enough inmates to vote for having the sound system play music during the day.

If only the film kept along that tack, it would have been a highlight of Salman Khan's career. Unfortunately, the film derails shortly afterwards. First, Tanvi reads up on his endless backstory. How did he end up in an asylum? Well, it's a loooong story. The short version is he spotted a sexy nun-in-training and wooed her away from God to be with him, then a tragic accident occurs, and he goes crazy. Then, our Doctor heroes begin the long rehabilitation process, which involves a lot of singing and running around in the hills nearby. Tanvi's father, meanwhile, arranges for her marriage to some shmuck, but she gets all gaga for Anand, so Daddy needs to abuse his power and make sure he stays committed, even when it seems he has recovered. Too bad the other inmates were unceremoniously dumped in order to fit in all the romance. Without them, the entire enterprise gets dull quite quickly. The proceedings aren't helped by a flat performance from Kareena Kapoor and an all-out bad one from an exceptionally unconvincing Jackie Shroff.

Those who believe all Bollywood movies are cheap knock-offs of Hollywood productions will want to lick their hand to slick their hair back as they declare it to be a cheap rip-off of ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST. Well, maybe so, to an extent, and certainly director Priadarshan is known to be a serial plagarist. But it isn't quite that simple: The movie is actually a remake of his own Malayalam film THALAVATTAM, which one could say was inspired by CUCKOO. Though really, it steals far more plot points from KHAMOSHI, a psyciatric hospital drama from 1969 in which a nurse falls in love with her patient, who, when cured, no longer recognizes her. But in fact I would say our plagarist-seeker is half right in this case: KYON KI bears no resemblance to CUCKOO at first -- but then, in the end, there arrives a plot twist that could only exist because it was stolen from CUCKOO, otherwise, it didn't have any reason to be there.

Of course, the usual complications ensue, as Deshu enters the gang, takes over an area that doesn't have a lot of profit, makes it pay off, starts to get his own loyal sub-gang, while the old heir apparent harbours a grudge that turns to treachery. It's altogether more violent and not as fun as the Hong Kong YOUNG & DANGEROUS movies, but it still has a lot of good stuff going on. Shootouts are handled with a minimum of flash. And the supporting cast overshadows the lead: Goga Kapoor is Hashimbhai, the aging Don, and Chunky Pandey plays Deshu's right-hand man, who loves booze and his girl and his boss. The score is excellent, but where are the song and dance routines? Alas, no where to be found, because many Bollywood directors today feel the musical numbers somehow cheapen their film, whereas in actuality the dances serve to make them more interesting. Without, the movie becomes something we could see from any region, from Hollywood to Hong Kong, with only the streets of Mumbai to stamp it as Indian.

Still, 'D' is one of the best-crafted Bollywood movies I have seen in some time. The oppressive heat, the grunge and decay of everyday life, the over saturated colors of interior spaces, all bring to mind Christopher Doyle's work in DAYS OF BEING WILD. Incredible location shooting show off the the squalor and energy of the city to great effect, making it another in a long history of Bollywood films to celebrate the city, warts and all. It's too bad that all that work was put to an unremarkable story told too many times already, with a star who could do brooding hunkiness but not much else.